My favorite passage on love is first John, chapter four. If we love one another, then that’s how we know that God lives in us. If we don’t love each other, then God does not live in us. That’s a simple sign as to whether we are living with the Lord reigning in and through us. Are you loving one another? What does love even look like?
Love involves forgiving one another, and showing grace. Paul says that where sin abounds, grace abounds even more (Romans 5:20). So, if love means forgiving and giving grace, then that means we are also dealing with sin and offense. However, showing mercy and grace to one another does not mean that we lay our hearts out as a stomping ground. Did you know that love also involves rebuking?
Love involves forgiving one another, and showing grace. Paul says that where sin abounds, grace abounds even more (Romans 5:20). So, if love means forgiving and giving grace, then that means we are also dealing with sin and offense. However, showing mercy and grace to one another does not mean that we lay our hearts out as a stomping ground. Did you know that love also involves rebuking?
| Proverbs 9:8 says, “Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you.” |
Boundaries are necessary to protect us from each other’s iniquities. We should not let people walk all over us and God certainly wants us to guard our hearts.
| Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” |
| {Warning: Read the whole post, because the following section can easily be misread and taken out of context.} |
I believe there is a false idea surrounding forgiveness in the church today. I hear this so often, “Forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you.” This statement has never set right with me, because forgiving prematurely can actually be damaging to the other person. The true intentions of the statement is to free us from taking justice into our own hands. This is absolutely true. I believe you can withhold forgiveness for a season and still give God His responsibility for justice. The problem I see with the statement is that forgiveness is only for yourself, but in fact forgiveness is a season of healing for both parties. If forgiveness is given too quickly because the forgiver is wanting healing NOW (me, me, this is what I do), then the other person is not held accountable for their actions. Not everyone has this problem, but I am too quick to forgive, regardless of whether the other party is repentant or not. This may not be harmful in many situations, but it is very harmful in close relationships. The forgiver becomes a stomping ground, and the offender never changes. Let’s look at the Scripture that is so often misinterpreted.
| “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (NASB). Luke 17:3-4 |
Read closely and pay attention to the condition. At the first sign of sin, Jesus is not saying “forgive him/her”. He actually says, “rebuke him/her.” It isn’t until a brother/sister repents that forgiveness should be extended fully. But what if he does it again, Peter asks Jesus? Jesus says, 'forgive again.' What is the condition seven times in a day? All seven times he must turn to you and repent first. Then Jesus commands us to forgive every time.
Here is another Scripture falsely used to blanket forgiveness in all circumstances. Pay attention to the condition.
Here is another Scripture falsely used to blanket forgiveness in all circumstances. Pay attention to the condition.
| Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34 |
There are times (actually most times) that we must forgive because the offender is ignorant of God. This is the same when it comes to “judgment”. We are not to judge those outside the church, but Scripture is clear that we are to judge our brothers and sisters. Those people that don’t know Jesus, do not know Jesus’ commands. I did not become a Christian until I was 20 years old. I did not know anything about God’s law. We are all born with a conscience, yes; God’s law is on our hearts, yes. However, without faith, it is impossible to please God (which means a whole lot of sinning). We should expect to become offended by non-Christians, and we should be quick to forgive them. Jesus intercedes for them, as He did for us as well. He died for us while we were still sinners. We must also lay down our life for those who do not know Jesus and intercede on their behalf.
On the other hand, there are many who withhold forgiveness even when repentance is involved. God makes it clear that He will withhold forgiveness from us, if we do not forgive. So we want to be ready to forgive boundlessly! I would ask myself a few questions: What level of ignorance is involved? Has the other person repented? Have I done my part to make them aware of their offense (rebuking)?
John the Baptist preached a baptism of repentance. Before Jesus started His ministry, John prepared the way by teaching repentance. Unfortunately, we don’t hear a whole lot about repentance anymore. Repentance is a necessary step towards salvation, and salvation being the forgiveness of sins, in order to be reconciled to God. After John prepares the way and baptizes Jesus, Jesus starts his ministry at age 30.
On the other hand, there are many who withhold forgiveness even when repentance is involved. God makes it clear that He will withhold forgiveness from us, if we do not forgive. So we want to be ready to forgive boundlessly! I would ask myself a few questions: What level of ignorance is involved? Has the other person repented? Have I done my part to make them aware of their offense (rebuking)?
John the Baptist preached a baptism of repentance. Before Jesus started His ministry, John prepared the way by teaching repentance. Unfortunately, we don’t hear a whole lot about repentance anymore. Repentance is a necessary step towards salvation, and salvation being the forgiveness of sins, in order to be reconciled to God. After John prepares the way and baptizes Jesus, Jesus starts his ministry at age 30.
| Matthew 4:17 says, “From that time on Jesus began to preach, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.” |
Jesus continued John’s message of repentance. If you continue reading past the gospels, we see the apostles preach the very same message.
| Luke says in Acts 3:19, "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord." |
And so, love not only involves forgiveness and grace, but it also involves rebuking and repentance. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” 1 John 1:9. First we confess (repent), then Jesus forgives us and washes us clean (grace). But how would we even know if we are doing anything wrong? The more we "know", the more we are held accountable for. If you don't rebuke, then how will the other person "know" they did something wrong? It's the same with revelation; the more revelation God gives us, the more God holds us responsible for what we know.
| “The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked" (Luke 12:47-48). |
There is a big gaping hole in our understanding of love in the church, and I believe it has to do with a lack of rebuking. If you love someone, you will rebuke them. I personally think this is so much harder than simply forgiving, and I have found myself MANY times forgiving so that I don’t have to deal with rebuking. This is a huge lesson I had to learn in marriage (and parenting). Let’s be honest here, marriage is a consistent battleground for offense. I am non-confrontational by nature. The result of forgiveness without rebuking or repentance, is repetitive behavior. Not only have I been the one stuck in this cycle, but he was as well. After many failed attempts at forgiveness and praying for change, I finally rebuked (this goes both ways friends.) It was then that repentance followed, and GREAT change happened! I’m embarrassed to say that we stayed on this hamster wheel for a long time, but when we finally obeyed the voice of God’s Word, we grew significantly closer to God and to each other.
It is at this point that our grace should abound. It’s after repentance that Jesus says to forgive over and over. What happens when you say, “I forgive you” and moments later find yourself right back in the same place of offense and hurt? I have learned that boundaries do not mean that you are showing a lack of grace. You can forgive, but guard your heart at the same time. I have also learned that having a lack of boundaries, can encourage the other person to offend you again, and it is then that your heart becomes a stomping ground. On the other hand, often times we are too quick to go into protective mode. If there is anything that I have learned from 13 years of marriage, is that grace should be boundless between us.
In the early church, Paul takes great joy over repentance in the church at Corinth. However, initially he was sorrowful because he knew it hurt them. But he rebuked them out of love.
It is at this point that our grace should abound. It’s after repentance that Jesus says to forgive over and over. What happens when you say, “I forgive you” and moments later find yourself right back in the same place of offense and hurt? I have learned that boundaries do not mean that you are showing a lack of grace. You can forgive, but guard your heart at the same time. I have also learned that having a lack of boundaries, can encourage the other person to offend you again, and it is then that your heart becomes a stomping ground. On the other hand, often times we are too quick to go into protective mode. If there is anything that I have learned from 13 years of marriage, is that grace should be boundless between us.
In the early church, Paul takes great joy over repentance in the church at Corinth. However, initially he was sorrowful because he knew it hurt them. But he rebuked them out of love.
| Paul says, “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:8-10). |
So, what happens if you obey the Lord in rebuking, but the offender does not repent? Scripture addresses this. Proverbs 29:1 says, “Whoever remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.” Romans 2:8 says, “for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.” There are serious consequences to an unrepentant heart, but notice that God is also slow to anger. In fact, “God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4b).
Scripture tells us what God will do with the unrepentant heart, but what are we to do? Love requires us to do very difficult things in certain situations. In one particular situation, Paul tells the church at Corinth not to fellowship with a man in their church involved in incest (a case where even the pagans thought vile.) Paul tells the church to, “hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord (1 Cor. 5:5).” Do you see the love in this command? The end result is actually eternal salvation!
Scripture tells us what God will do with the unrepentant heart, but what are we to do? Love requires us to do very difficult things in certain situations. In one particular situation, Paul tells the church at Corinth not to fellowship with a man in their church involved in incest (a case where even the pagans thought vile.) Paul tells the church to, “hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord (1 Cor. 5:5).” Do you see the love in this command? The end result is actually eternal salvation!
| “If the work that anyone has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire” (1 Corinthians 3:14–15). |
However, let's not get confused in our role either!! There are times where we can become bitter towards an unrepentant heart, and this is not right. We must trust the Lord in bringing about justice, because we could not possibly handle this on our own. We must trust the Lord and get rid of all bitterness and rage. Ephesians 4:25-27 tells us to put off falsehood and speak truthfully to each other. But in your anger, do not sin. Letting your anger linger and becoming bitter is how it turns to sin. Do not give the devil a foothold with bitterness!
| "God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you, and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels" (2 Thessalonians 1:6-7) |
Grace does not always have to do with sin. In fact, the majority of learning how to love has to do with adjusting your own expectations of your own unrealistic idea of people. Our expectations, personality differences, and level of understanding for relationships can more often than not, get in the way of growing closer and living in harmony. So, love goes beyond sinning against each other. Love means loving when we don’t always agree with each other! Yes, I know, it’s not easy. If we consider Jesus as our model, then we can succeed. Can you imagine how Jesus felt? He was fully human; he had all of our temptations and walked in all of our limitations. Yet, at the same time He was fully God. He knew all things, and He created all things. He could technically override anything, but He chose to lay His life down and did nothing without Holy Spirit and Father. He walked in perfect love, whether it meant rebuking or forgiving. He did a lot of both!
Jesus must have felt like such a foreigner. Jesus said, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head” (Luke 9:58). Jesus is basically saying that this is not His home. Can you imagine His expectations of people? How many times was He disappointed, yet chose to love? Jesus is the Word in flesh! Can you imagine knowing ALL things and literally being truth, and living amongst so many deceived people? Jesus modeled a life that we CAN walk. It will not be easy, but it IS possible to love the world by walking in the power of the Spirit.
Jesus must have felt like such a foreigner. Jesus said, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head” (Luke 9:58). Jesus is basically saying that this is not His home. Can you imagine His expectations of people? How many times was He disappointed, yet chose to love? Jesus is the Word in flesh! Can you imagine knowing ALL things and literally being truth, and living amongst so many deceived people? Jesus modeled a life that we CAN walk. It will not be easy, but it IS possible to love the world by walking in the power of the Spirit.
How do we walk out the love of God? Every situation is different, and it comes down to hearing God’s voice and obeying His commands. We are to worship God in spirit and in truth, which means that we tune our ears to the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and seeking truth in His Word.
In order to understand what love looks like, then we must study the very person who embodies love itself: Jesus. Jesus loves the world, and he rebuked many, forgave many, and purified many. Whether He is rebuking or forgiving, it is out of love for people. Unfortunately, not all people respond, but God does extend His hand to all the world and He died for the whole world.
| Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” Colossians 3:12-14. |
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