"Don't you care that I am hungry?," she says. My immediate response inside was 'of course I'd never want her to go hungry.' I had sent her to her room without food. I know what I did was for a consequence but then she played on my heartstrings. Then, I gently hear the Holy Spirit speak to me in a soft inner voice, "Sarah I care more about our relationship than your comfort." I think that the Lord was doing two things: He was encouraging me in my correction, and He was also teaching me in this moment. You see, just a few days ago, I was having a raw anger moment with the Lord.
I was weak; I was having tremors. My brain was just not operating entirely correct. Let's just say I was having a Lyme flare and only a few short days after I posted my healing video of Lilli. "Why God? Why is this happening? I am feeling a bit like Job." I was angry at God. I know what He can do; I have seen HIm do it! He heals! I know it and I believe it. Knowing this made me realize that He chose to 'allow' the sickness to come over my body.
A few days later, I was telling my friend how I was angry with the Lord the other day and I felt terrible for being that way. Her response surprised me, "Sarah, it's okay. He can handle it." I expected her to say, "It's okay, let's pray the anger away." I expected a response like Job's friends gave, "How dare you approach God that way?!" Blessedly, after Jesus, we have the Holy Spirit living in us, so my friend could give me a true response from the heart of God. Whereas Job's friends did not yet have the Holy Spirit living in them, their responses were human limited.
You see, God doesn't just want to be our provider and healer. Though He wants to be those things too!! More than anything He wants us to seek His face, not just His hand. The Lord was teaching me that He wants me to seek Him in these moments of real, raw emotion. Are you angry with God? Talk it out with Him! He can handle it! My friend reminded me how I get angry with Matt sometimes too. It's called a relationship. Whether it's right or not, it's real and God wants us to come to Him.
As much as Reese wanted to push me away in her anger, I wanted her to know that I would always love her. I didn't just want to give her what she needed (food), but I also wanted her to know she was loved no matter how much she disrespected me. I still wanted her to learn the importance of respecting Matt and me, so I carried out the discipline. It hurts my heart more than anything to withhold what she wanted. Let's be honest here, she had just eaten right before her tantrum. I believe God feels the same way. He wants to lavish us with every kind of blessing, but more than that, He wants us to have a real relationship with Him. I don't want my kids just coming to us for their wants and needs; I want them to approach us with all of their feelings, whether they are good or bad!! I want to 'know' them! I want them to seek our hearts, not just provision. How much more does God want to give us, but He wants us to 'know' Him first.
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33