Have you ever experienced God move in your life with a mighty hand and get a completely different outcome than what you expected? That's what keeps happening in our lives. I sense that it is God's pruning, as it hurts. However, I look back and see the growth.
The worship was so amazing and of course the sermon was incredible. I couldn’t take notes fast enough! At the end, I’m starting to get excited because somehow I’ve got to ask him to pray for me. They had already called two ministry teams up to pray, each of which did NOT have him a part of. But, he was directly in front of me! Just before he was about to take a step out, I just boldly tapped his shoulder, showed him my list of illnesses, and asked for prayer. He said, “Well, yeah let’s pray for you!” I explained how I wanted wisdom more than healing. Wow.
He laid his hand on my head and prayed for me, but for some reason I couldn’t comprehend his words. This really bummed me out. I’m not sure if it was commotion or Lyme brain. His team, a few ladies, continued to lay hands on me with Matt and my dad right behind me. One of the ladies was praying and then she says to me,
“The Lord wants you to know it’s okay to hope again.”
I literally broke. I felt like my belly was kicked in, and a wall I built was shattered. I cried and cried, but really paying attention to that word. I was confused by the word. My initial interpretation regarded my health and children's healing. I consulted the Lord all day Sunday, trying to understand, as I didn't think I'd lost hope in my healing whether it's now or later.
I began to think on finding a church home, as the last year was rough for me in that area. I had problems in the children's ministry in our last church. They were unapproachable, and disgraced when I raised questions about the doctrine. I thought we would still be building Commissioned and I didn't expect it to crash. I was bitter for some time, but have been able to walk through to the other side of that pain.
Romans 8:24-25 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
So the hope that I've lost has to do with something that I have longed for in faith. Remember stick-to-itiviness? Why would we stick to it, if we don't hope for what's ahead?
I can't say that I've hoped for complete healing. Let me explain. In the beginning I absolutely yearned for health, and even in my most painful moments, which are many, I called out to God, "WHY?" I begged him to take me home and bring me to full healing in heaven. Being near to death, He would hold me as close as He could to the flame but always pull back. Let me tell you this, I could feel the heat of that fire and these were the moments I wanted Him to take me. When you have a blessed family with two beautiful girls, you can grasp the idea of how painful it was.
When Paul was tormented by the devil, he pleaded for God to take it away. After the third time, Jesus said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:8) Prior to this, Paul boasts about his sufferings. Talk about being held to the flame! In the past I've wondered, why do Scriptures tell us how many times Paul begged? I see it now, it was important to show me that I can stop asking, trust and hope in Him. Instead of wasting time begging for healing, I would rather have wisdom (this is not for everyone, as Jesus loves to heal). I want wisdom and revelation so that I can help others come to salvation in Christ. I want to see people, delivered, healed, forgiven, saved and go to heaven with me. If God sees a purpose in my sickness, then I trust in Him to SUSTAIN me. I'm certain many do not like my answer or understand it, but they don't have to. God is my refuge, not the opinions of the people. I'm learning to be more vulnerable.
In this past year, I have longed for the Lord to use my family for His glory. We have waited and waited. Then I was fired as a volunteer. Haha! I met with the Pastor asking for more Jesus in the children's curriculum. I mean, how much Jesus is too much?! I'm shocked by the suppressing of the Holy Spirit, of a supernatural God. Isn't it interesting how Jesus says, "Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin” (Mark 3:29). This same Spirit is in each of us, raised Jesus from the dead. He led Jesus' entire ministry and He's who fell on the disciples and 3,000 others giving them power and boldness for the work of the ministry.
YET, churches are not including Him in their services. The worship is amazing as they are playing all of the popular Hillsong and Bethel songs. The funny thing is, I wish they would listen to the teaching as well. The controversial Kris Vallotton and Bill Johnson's teaching is full of wisdom and revelation, which of course only comes from the Holy Spirit and God's Word. I would advise reading 1 Corinthians 2:6-16; I posted the passage at the bottom.
I truly had lost hope in the local church. I told Matt just before Kris Vallotton night, I couldn't see anymore. I couldn't see ahead of me, and I'd lost any vision for working with children. I never lost hope in healing, but I did lose hope in my calling. I clung to one prophecy, but lost hope in my present calling.
The outcome was different, but it's better. It's always better when the Holy Spirit guides us into the right place, despite not being what we expected.
My family is finally home.