Mom On go
  • Home
  • About
    • Lilli Rex
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Bible Study
  • Reflection
  • I Want JESUS!
  • Suicide Prevention

Mommy, I'm Worried that You are Going to Die

12/14/2015

5 Comments

 
Picture
The first time she said it, I laughed.  The second time she said it, I got worried.  My home nurse comes once a week to change my dressing and draw blood.  These last two weeks she was unable to draw blood from my line as it was acting up.  So she had to prick my hand and draw blood from there.  With neuropathy, pain for me is very different than you.  A simple prick of a needle is extreme pain misfired to my brain.  These last two weeks Reese has held my hand and comforted me as my nurse grudgingly draws blood from a needle in my hand.  This was the second time Reese looked at me in seriousness with that concern she had.  

"Mommy, I'm worried that you are going to die."

The first time she said this to me, I laughed.  The first time she said this to me, I gave her a natural answer, "Well yes honey, of course.  And one day you will die too.  But it will be when God is ready to take us home."  But this was the second time.  Her concern is real, and it was a real possibility. 

"Mommy, will you fight for us?"  my thoughts hear her say.  "Will you fight for us to live?", runs through my mind.  I am not scared of dying and I've done everything the doctors have told me to do up until now.  I have faithfully gone to all of my appointments and done all of my labs, tests, MRI's, and scans.  I take my pills and supplements on time.  Reese went through treatment for awhile and we were both doing Doterra oil treatments off and on.  Thanks to Lindsay we were able to consistently do these treatments.  But was I fighting to live?  I'm not scared to die.  I trust God with everything, but was I truly fighting to live?

Friday I went to the world renown Dr. Jemsek in Washington, DC.  This man is famous for his breakthrough in the AIDs world and now the Lyme world.  I was referred to him by my new amazing heart doctor, Dr. Walter Atiga.  He said that he refers his most difficult neurological lyme patients to him.  Dr. Jemsek became known as, 'the doctor who listens' in the 80's when AIDs patients had no one to run to, just as lyme patients are today.  My appointment was 3 hours long!  The PA told me that technically most people are walking around with the Lyme spirochete in their body, but the difference is that their immune system suppresses it.  Reese and I are suffering from Lyme Borreliosis Complex.  Lyme and other infections from ticks, spiders or mosquitoes have overcome our immune system and loves to live and attack our nervous system.  She told me that the regime I'm currently on is not actually eradicating the lyme and co-infections, rather it is keeping things quiet and at bay.  The lyme and bacteria create a biofilm to protect itself from the antibiotics.  The difference that they can do for me is by pulsing the antibiotics, detox, and using techniques to break down the biofilm.  I will have to go through a 7-9 months of intense IV treatment that will cost almost $40,000, and followed by an oral antibiotic regime.  The treatment could go on for more than 2 years.  It will be a long hard treatment where you get worst before getting better.  During this IV, my husband will have to sign a care contract to insure their office that I will be taken care of at home.  Matt will have to administer IV treatments and change my dressings and care for me as seizures, tremors, nausea, pain, insomnia, poor circulation, night sweats amongst many other symptoms will be extreme.  I plan to be transparent through this treatment, in order to help others who are struggling with Lyme Borreliosis Complex.  

Reese will also be going through treatment with Dr. Jemsek.  Her treatment will be a minimum of $10,000 over the next year. Unfortunately, insurance companies do not recognize our illness and refuse to cover our expenses.  At one point, I was thinking it may be better for me to go on home with God than to burden my family with these ongoing expenses.  That way Matt could just take care of Reese.  But, upon leaving that appointment, I was again faced with Reese's concern:

"Mommy, I'm worried that you are going to die."

Her real concern provokes me to fight for us.  God gave me this desire to fight to live.  I have been walking through these trials with the attitude of whatever God's will, then I will walk it.  I do believe that, and still ultimately want God's will.  Along with that, God gave me this burden to fight to live and fight for Reese to live better. 

The next time Reese expresses her concern for me, then my answer will be different.  My answer will have a God ordained desire deep in my soul to fight.... to fight for us... to fight to live.  


Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
    on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death
    and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
    because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,

    even as we hope in you.

Psalm 33:18-22




5 Comments

Dear Depressed One

12/2/2015

2 Comments

 
Picture
Dear Depressed One,
I now get it.  I understand.  I was brought low too.  I have never felt a depression (at least that I can remember) that caused me to buckle to my knees in that type of extreme sadness.   It's not fun.  It is so hard on the family, especially your closest one (Matt).  He was so good and he got us through, but I had to allow him the anger afterwards.  Once I snapped out of this sad state, he needed to be alone a little.  I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful husband.  We see the value in our loved ones especially through illness.

My  heart doctor, in trying to figure out my heart issues, took me off of my longterm anxiety/depression drug Cymbalta.  At first, I blamed him.  But what I've come to realize is that God did this, and God wanted me to feel compassion for you.  He wanted me to go through what you go through.  I would cry and say to Matt, "The Lord is trying to show me something.  I just don't know what it is yet."  But it was simply to comfort, connect and relate to you :)
​
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 
For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

He knows what you are going through; He has felt your pain.  Friends and family told me, "Oh Sarah, you are so strong.  Stay positive."  The funny thing is, I lie.  I lie all the time.  Is that wrong?   I was sad for my kids, because I can't take them to the park.  I have to tell them I can't take them basically anywhere because the trip will make me sick.  We had plans to go to Great Wolf Lodge (which we have made a Thanksgiving family tradition), but we couldn't go because I got an IV in my arm and wouldn't be able to get in the water.  We had to cut our vacation short because of me.  My husband begs me to go out with friends.  If I tell you I'm fine, 95% of the time, it's not true.  Life isn't positive right now.  I'm sick, but I look well on the outside.  We are in a valley and it's hard.  And all of this during the season of depression was magnified.  It was so big and made me so sad.  To make things worse, I was in extreme pain all over my body.  The Cymbalta was also treating my chronic pain.  I had not realized how desperately I needed this drug.  


I understand that mental illness is a controversial subject and it can be embarrassing.  But the reality is, it is real.  Matt always comforts me as a husband should, "Sarah, if you have a broken leg, would you not go to the doctor for a cast?  Then go to the doctor to get the chemical replaced in your brain."  My best friend helped me through this 4 years ago.  I am so grateful for her mentoring me through that time.  I didn't realize how pertinent this pill was to my functionality of life.  

Honestly, I did snap out of this depression with the help of my bestie.  Between her and Matt I snapped out of it.  But ultimately the Lord brought me the peace I desperately needed.  Talking with someone who has been through it was so helpful for me, that I want you to know I'm here.  I've been there.  I can comfort you too.  I did snap out before I went back to the Cymbalta, but I need this drug right now.  I need the IVIG, the Cymbalta, all the pills, the oils, and especially my loved ones who continue to support me.  And. it's. okay.

Psalm 116
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.


This Psalm literally sums up my experience over this past week.  I was brought low, but the Lord heard my cry.  I was overcome by distress and sorrow; I did not want to live.  And as a good friend reminded me, as a Christian, knowing you are going to be with God makes it easier to feel this way.  Philippians 1:21 Paul says, "For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better."  But Paul says it's better that he lives, for others sake.  It's the same for you and me.  It's better that we live.  It's better for my kids, and for others that I share Christ with.  Continuing in Philippians 3:13-14 says, "one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

So, my dear friends.  Being sad is not failing.  Don't be fooled by the things circulating the internet. "Positive thinking will bring you success, health, happiness, wealth and good relationships."  They look good, but they are partial truths, and a partial truth is really just a lie covered in a little truth.  The full truth can be found here in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  And so, God tells us through Paul to think on these things,  truth, justice, purity, lovely, commendable and excellent, things worth of praise.  Let's move forward to the next verse 9, "
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."  
         P    E    A    C    E

You may not get that job, or get healed, and he may still leave you.  But YOU will find peace with God.  The world may be a storm, but you will have PEACE with God.  Salvation brings the Lord's grace over your life, and you become sons and daughters of the Most High God.

Don't worry about being sad.  Talk to a friend.  Pray.  Ask God for His peace.  Go to the doctor to see if it's a chemical imbalance.  But if you want to be positive in a very hard, not so positive situation, then meditate on God's word and the peace of Christ will be with you.  
Joshua 1:8 says, "This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."
Don't think about the last word "success" in regards to what you know of that word, but think about it according to Scripture, meaning wisdom.  The transliteration of the Hebrew word is sakal and it means to be prudent, be circumspect, wisely understand, prosper.  This means to be intelligent and wise.  Wisdom in regards to making wise and intelligent decisions.  

Meditate on God's word day and night and He will give you wisdom, comfort and peace.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - Jesus
Picture
2 Comments

    Receive New Content

    * indicates required
    Email Format

    Picture

    Blog | Sarah's Life

    ↑ Grab this Headline Animator

     I write in order to give others hope during their trials, tribulations, and physical suffering. Jesus gives me hope and spiritual healing as I walk through the fire. My desire through my writing is that you would also gain hope through Jesus Christ. He died for the world to come to know Him and be saved by believing.

    BLOG POSTS

    -The 75 Prophecy - Our Move
    -Zero Fear in the Face of Coronavirus

    ​-My Grandma's Funeral
    -Subcu IG Therapy
    -God Speaks
    -Relationship Over Comfort
    -Jesus Heals My Girls
    -Consider It Pure Joy
    -Search Me God 
    -Joyful In Hope, Patient In Affliction
    -One Little Lie Stole My Joy
    -Our New Normal
    -Depression and Brokenness are Not the Same
    -Suicide - Top Killer of Lyme
    -When God Doesn't Heal
    -Psalm 119
    -The Brutal Death of an Innocent Man
    -I Care More About
    -Judge? or Don't Judge?
    -Religion or Relationship
    -Hope Restored
    -Should I expect God to Relieve My Suffering
    -Vulnerability
    -He's Not Far Off
    -He Doesn't Leave One of His Behind
    -The Devil Made Me Do It
    -The Little Duck Wife
    -The Darkness Does Not Overcome
    ​
    ​-Seasons
    -Chronic Lyme Cure?
    -The Faith of A Child
    -Jesus is Always a Step Ahead
    -I'm So Tired
    ​
    -I Can Breathe
    -Children and Lyme
    -The Best of Me
    -Fighting to Stay Alive
    -Jesus Take the Wheel
    -This Time He Said YES
    -Bittersweet Tears
    -Lyme Wars
    -Where My Heartbeat Comes Free
    -My Heart Breaks For Her
    -How to Love Someone With Chronic Illness
    -Too Big of A Lie
    -You Were Right. It Is In My Head
    -I Don't Want to Win the Lottery
    -Mommy I'm Worried You are Going to Die
    -Dear Depressed One
    -Seeing Is Believing
    -Lyme Disease Challenge
    -We Fight Not Against Each Other
    -How Brief Our Time Is
    -The Grass Is Dead On Both Sides
    -Reese's Lyme Treatment
    -Meant to be Warriors
    -IVIG Blessings
    -Positive Thoughts False Doctrine
    -Meal Plan and download
    -Smaller than a Speck
    -More Laws, Yet Immorality is Ramped
    -Think! So It will Be
    -Still Sick, Still Praise God
    -Patiently I Wait!
    ​
    ​-Now I have Proof!
    ​
    -The Disease Is Killing Me
    -All the Glory to Him
    -Refined by... What?
    -Dear Friends and Family I'm sorry
    -Faith for your Beloved
    ​-Bring God Back!
    -You Don't Know Me
    -This Thorn in My Flesh
    -Jesus Heals TODAY
    -Rejoice in Suffering
    -Where Does Food Come From?
    -Child of Weakness
    ​-Guardian Angel
    -Is God too Busy?
    ​-God Speaks
    -How Long O Lord?
    ​-You Will Suffer
    ​-Don't you Want Me to Be Happy?
    ​​-Light Shines In Darkness
    ​-Take Heart
    -He's Always On Time
    ​-Food Allergy Awareness
    ​-Ecclesiastes 
    -Life is Meaningless
    -A Higher Calling


    Archives

    May 2020
    March 2020
    September 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    October 2013

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHEN I POST NEW CONTENT?

* indicates required
Email Format
HOME
CONTACT
MY STORY
BLOG
BIBLE STUDY
REFLECTION
I WANT JESUS
SUICIDE PREVENTION
GIVE

Picture
LYME DISEASE INFORMATION
Copyright 2013  All Rights Reserved