I contacted my lyme doctor, and she put me back on IV antibiotics that I administer myself twice per day. I'm thankful that I have a doctor who knows what to do.
My point is not to complain or to seem hopeless, as I feel many of my drafts start that way. Rather, my point is to share my gratitude. These last couple of days I have stopped to thank God for a heart beat, and for a breath. These are the involuntary movements and survival mechanisms that we don't even realize are there, and we take them for granted. I'm being candid when I say that I have felt like I'm counting down my days, not years. I don't know what the Lord holds in the nearest future, but I do know this... life is much better.... living... knowing that you are dying. So why do you think I would say this? Well because you start to think about the people around you through the eyes of Christ. It's not about what people think of you or how you look or what you're wearing; It's about the souls around you. What in this life matters? Because you know what? we should all be aware of the fact that... we are all dying.
I'm dying... but the Lord renews my spirit more and more each day. I'm living and growing and becoming closer to Him. I couldn't ask for anything more. And I thank God everyday for my heart beating 115,200 every day and my 20,000 breaths I take every single day (thanks to google for the approximations). And every time I lay down, my body tremors with involuntary movements, and daily my belly struggles to hold itself up. These are the things we didn't even know our body actually involuntarily does to keep us alive. They are called involuntary movements, and rightly so. They are not willed by us, but by God. They are controlled by the brain, but God ultimately is Sovereign over our life.
And so, as I walk around with a damaged brain, a brain that struggles in the involuntary movement department, I lay my very life in the hands of the Almighty God. I owe every single breath, every heart beat, every bowel movement, every thought or memory to my Father.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Life is but a breath...
"LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is." - Psalm 39:4